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[22 Dec 2009|12:04am] |
another success
so yeah is recent news i have a big fat crush on this guy named mike.... who happens to make these youtube videos under the name mike and cheese...
but yeah big fat crush.
of course the problem is that my name is emily mccoy and i hate relationships and letting people get to know me and such.
life would be much easier if no one really cared about getting to know me.
for instance i dated josh for about 9 months and at the end of it i realized that he still knew pretty much nothing about me.
he claims he does... but things like the fact he thought he liked the color pink.... just no.
besides.... parody rapper.... how can i take that seriously?
maybe he'll just stop texting me.
sure i'll be hurt for a little while....
but in the end life would be much easier.
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| "If you knew what I feel then you couldn't be so sure." |
[19 Dec 2009|07:02am] |
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Such interesting things happen to me when I'm high. Everything makes sense, and I can see the right path when I'm high. It's when I'm sober that my vision is clouded. How fucked up is that? In all honesty, I figure everything out quicker, I can articulate what I'm trying to say (usually haha) and truth and reality set in. Weed takes that barrier away... that facade that I have going.
And it's horrible.
I really love my brother Justin. As fucked up as his life has been, it's brought us together now, and he's really cool. I was going to say despite his job choices, he's a pretty interesting character, but that's what makes him interesting. We had a really good talk last night.. he basically just told me straight up that I need to get my shit together if I actually want to make it in LA.
And I told him, this is the first time I've actually said it aloud, that there is a good chunk of me that doesn't think I will be successful in what I want to do... and I have absolutely zero clue what I would do in place of that. Zero. And it's so unbelievably terrifying and depressing to think about that and I'm seriously starting to cry right now while I sit in the gym and type this. I've been lying to myself this whole time thinking that this is something I actually think I can do, and he made me realize that.
That being said though, I feel like if I don't at least give it a shot, I will very much regret it in the end.
That ALSO being said, I am really concerned for my relationship next year. He wants to go to school and get a degree, and he wants to apply to Columbia. I can't move to Chicago. I mean, I know I could, but I don't want to dammit! It gives me room for failure. And Chicago is not shooting for the stars. I don't know maybe I'm just hyped up on caffeine.
I do know, that regardless of what ends up happening, I'm not prepared for any of it. I'm not evenly slightly ready to make these huge life-changing decisions.... but that's what growing up is I suppose. So fuck it.
And if it doesn't work out, I'll just collect unemployment and get fat. So suck it.
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate this so fucking much.
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[18 Dec 2009|08:23pm] |
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and another success
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[18 Dec 2009|09:12am] |
Lets just talk about the fantastic awkwardness that was last nights Christmas party...
1. director of RENT and all the people he didn't cast or screwed over
2. the fact that the entire school of music was at this party... where i proceeded to drink more. and by people in the school of music i mean...
-jerry siena, one of the top voice professors at the u of i
-the chair of musicology and a future professor of mine and the guy who almost sent me to dc for one of his lectures on irving berlin
-my music history ta who has yet to post the results of our final
-my old art music ta who didn't remember me
-my chorale ta who awkwardly looked at my glass of wine
-one of the choral directors
-ron hedlund, the former chair of voice
-barbara hedlund, chick in charge of mills breast cancer center, also my agent who i've only talked through email with and kept looking at me awkwardly.
-a phd candidate in voice, and one of nathan gunns few students who also nannys for the gunns in exchange for free voice lessons from nathan and vocal coaching from his wife. he brings in the kids to jarlings all the time, and we actually has a nice 20 minute conversation about voice.
I'm glad that happened. So funny...
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[18 Dec 2009|01:03am] |
finals are over... and very successful. im hanging out with my most wonderful sara.
everyone look up mike and cheese right now..... please.... and tell me if he is datable... because i can't decide.
this is a personal note from Sara to a certain someone who always makes me happy to know that i am significantly more intelligent and important to the world than she...
first of all maybe your life wouldn't suck so hard if you didn't embarrass yourself where ever you go.
secondly...if your boyfriend is "secretly gay", what does that make you?....MAN?
thirdly, quit being the BIGGEST LOSER EVER, and purposefully getting as drunk as you possibly can so you don't have to remember yourself acting like a ditz to get attention from boys that will never be interested in you the next morning.
and...you are right, you are insignificant, and you will not be missed...fall down some stairs...
luv ya! ~sara xoxox
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| "If I had eyes in the back of my head, I would've told you that you looked good as I walked away." |
[16 Dec 2009|11:07pm] |
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mood |
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 i have to pee |
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So it's been over a month since I last updated. Fail. I can't believe it's almost Christmas, how fucked up is that?? I seriously don't know where the fuck this year has gone.. I feel like we just remisced about last year. Weeeirrrdddd. You know what else is weird? Thinking about all you've accomplished in a year. Thinking about where I was this time last year and where I'm at now... it's bizarre. What the fuck did I do with my time? It makes me want to be motivated and actually put forth a effort into life... but it's really hard when I have no direction. I know what I want to do, but there are so many obstacles. Goals.....
Goals.
Goals for 1 year.
1. Save money to get the fuck out of Champaign
-This is a must if I actually want to do something with my life. Make sure I do this.
2. Lose weight and get in shape.
-This is a must if I actually want to do what I want to do. They don't like fat people on TV. (my mom nicely told me that if I really want to do this with my life that I need to lose weight. Actually she told me AND zach that we both needed to. It was realllllllllllllllly funnny) She's right though.
3.................................... I guess that's it for now. I dunno I have ADD and totally forgot I had started this and I just found it again lol.
Anyways.... I'm going to be so glad when Christmas Carol is over. I'm SO fucking done with it. And i'm really ready to get out of this house. I love the house, but seriously, I hate roommates. It's such a bad idea. Especially with these dumbass mother fuckers. Rawr. Done venting.
Well.... I guess I'm gonna go clean something. Psh. Yeah right.
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| i feel so untouched |
[16 Dec 2009|09:19pm] |
ok. pros and cons to life.
pro:
1. i'm going to do rent, but because i have a small part i don't think it will take up that much time. since i plan on doing this professionally i need to get used to not getting what i want right away. so i'm going to do it and have a great time because the ensemble is going to be super fun, even if i don't have the part i want. and corbin's going to do it so at least i'll see him a lot.
2. so far i've gotten through all my finals, and managed to study a little for them. it hasn't turned out great, i got a d on one of them and i think i'm going to get one on my math one too. but i showed up (early in fact) and took them and that's a really big step for me so suck it.
con:
1. i had a panic attack during my math final, which wasn't detrimental but did make me upset. i didn't have some of the notes that i needed and it was making me freak out. so instead of logically answering the questions based on what i knew i panicked and made shit up. oops.
2. everyone else was really excited for me to have all this free time not doing rent. truth is i have free time all the time, except for the rare 2 or 3 hours i'll have rehearsal next semester. so because i'm doing it i'm afraid people won't take advantage of the free time i do have. hos.
and that's miiiiike's super short show.
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[14 Dec 2009|05:28pm] |
and then my soul fell apart and died right in front of me, and there was nothing i could do to stop it.
because i put so much into hoping for a part in a community theater production. that i didn't get.
that roger is going to someone who will never be able to play it like corbin, because he sounds like a dying cat when he sings.
because i lost 5 pounds, became more flexible, and found the perfect audition song for nothing.
because not only am i going to have horrible grades this semester but i'm not going to have the part i wanted.
because i don't get to be on that stage again. because if i do this show i will die inside.
because i care so much about stupid community theater.
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| it's a very, very, mad world. |
[14 Dec 2009|02:38pm] |
i saw the fattest squirelles today in the entire world. i almost stepped on one. i laughed.
i finished my psych final in 25 minutes, and i'm really not sure how it's gonna go.
just thinking about callbacks makes me want to cry, because i don't think they went well and corbin got screwed. i don't think this is going to be what i wanted it to.
today feels kind of hopeless. i can't look on the plus side of my life, that i went to my final and attempted to study, because i still have three days to get through.
maybe i'll just lay here.
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